It’s no shocker because finances are a common issue in relationships or “marriages” and, it was one of our biggest downfalls. Not because we didn’t make decent money or couldn’t pay our bills but because I was paying 50/ 50 for all things, mortgages that didn’t have my name on them, bills, vacations, and even groceries. At the time, I didn’t know this would drain me and no longer make me respect him but I couldn’t change it.
Three years into our relationship we finally decided because he made three times as much as me, it was fair to adjust the bills. I remained paying a large portion of all bills just not exactly 50/50 but if he spent more on his mortgage I would pay more on other bills. The bills were never comfortable for me and I would spend the next 6 and a half years fighting to keep up with bills, investments, and vacations, while paying for two degrees and a certification, on top of medical bills. I did it, and then some but it created a chip on my shoulder because I was also cooking three meals a day, planning dates, and essentially taking care of myself, while taking care of him.
It wasn’t until 4- 6 months before our relationship ended that I was blessed with two random lump sums of money from solo investments I made that would pay off my remaining debt and help me set myself up. Then, while I was on my trip, he accidentally totaled my car (he was fine), giving me another large payout because my car was in great condition and almost paid off. These were all signs that in the moment, I was very fortunate to see they were blessings intended to help me leave my relationship.
Being spiritually aware, and staying consistent in prayer with God, was helping me stay strong, but also SEE the path he was creating for me to leave that situation.
Because of my relationship with Jesus and God’s word, this situation was the toughest but easiest choice and process, I have had the pleasure of experiencing, and it makes me so excited to see where He is leading me.
Deciding to take my first solo traveling trip, out of the country, for a month, was an experience only God could have placed in front of me and was my true sign that my 10-year relationship was ending and that I needed to let it. Traveling alone for the first time was extremely scary but it also made me feel like I was unstoppable. There was something powerful about doing it all, physically and financially, on my own. After struggling and paying 50/50, going tit for tat with someone who made three times my salary, it gave me strength!! It also gave me a massive anxiety attack that landed me in the ER a few days before I left. But let’s back up and discuss how I ended up needing to go for a month to begin with. To say there wasn’t love there after 10 years together would be an absolute lie, He and I made a fantastic team but we were better off as friends. Within the first 2 years of our relationship, we moved to North Carolina from California and bought a home without being engaged or married. (First mistake) I should have known after dropping hints and getting the annoyed response that marriage was not in the picture. After 2 more years, still paying 50/50 working two jobs to pay my portion of the bills (another red flag, why am I working two jobs to pay half of his mortgage) when he made 3 times my salary. One day, It came out in conversation that marriage was not the plan and that he had been lying and never wanted to get married – 3 red flags, 4 years in… I left…
I moved, got my dream job, and started a new life an hour away, with friends, and dating, all is well. So well, that I thought, “Maybe the problem was me not being this independent in the relationship. This thought combined with a minimal amount of effort to win me back, seven months later, we got back together. He moved in with me, to my apartment, we sold the house and he paid no bills while we figured out the next steps. *smh* young and dumb at 26 -years old. However, this time was different, this time, arguments ended in gifts and jewelry, so he must be serious, he’s spending money.
After one particular argument, we took a trip to the pawn shop and got this terrible 3-stone engagement ring, that was 3 sizes too big. And when he absolutely refused to get the ring sized, I for some reason still wore it with pride. That ring was replaced about 7 months later after another argument about when we were getting married, that ring was given to me when I was staying at my mom’s house, in a little bag, the diamond, the ring, and the band, all un attached as if it was bought from the store moments before. I accepted this ring but later made him take the 2 carats floating in the bag diamond and perfectly set rose gold band back to the store because he kept complaining about the cost. We took it back and I picked a cheaper teardrop, double halo, white gold ring, that gave 2% of the sale to St Jude’s, the one he got sized and I wore for 5 years. I didn’t get her right away though, I was supposed to wait for the “right time” for the proposal. But in reality, it was given to me again, after an argument, 6-7 months after it was purchased, on the couch. Of course, I cried and believed this was our time. Almost 2.5 years later after arguing through the entire “engagement process”, attempts at setting a date sparked arguments about the “legality” of things. Showing my ring off caused him to roll his eyes and not want to pose for pictures or go without talking to me for days. ( New set of red flags, He could go 6-7 DAYS without talking to me, while being in the same house. Just basic hi, good morning, are you eating and goodnight” We finally decided to elope and mutually decided to figure out the logistics of legalizing it later. Emphasis on mutual because I did agree.. A part of the healing process is understanding what you did wrong and the parts you played in your situation, this is one of mine, I agreed to move forward with something, but in my heart, I knew it was wrong. I thought if we did elope he wouldn’t backtrack, he would have to. This was my fault entirely, a lot of it was, because I accepted it. So there I was, 10 years in total, not legally married, no kids, with a man who still wouldn’t give me $60 to cover “ my half “ of our groceries. Although the thought at 32 should have been “get the f ** out” & it was, sort of…. something told me to start with a solo trip to Italy, just in case the space would help us.
Travel.Relationship.Therapy.Repeat 