A Solo Trip Ended My 10 Year Relationship

Deciding to take my first solo traveling trip, out of the country, for a month, was an experience only God could have placed in front of me and was my true sign that my 10-year relationship was ending and that I needed to let it. 
Traveling alone for the first time was extremely scary but it also made me feel like I was unstoppable. There was something powerful about doing it all, physically and financially, on my own. After struggling and paying 50/50,  going tit for tat with someone who made three times my salary, it gave me strength!! It also gave me a massive anxiety attack that landed me in the ER a few days before I left. But let’s back up and discuss how I ended up needing to go for a month to begin with. 
To say there wasn’t love there after 10 years together would be an absolute lie, He and I made a fantastic team but we were better off as friends. Within the first 2 years of our relationship, we moved to North Carolina from California and bought a home without being engaged or married. (First mistake) I should have known after dropping hints and getting the annoyed response that marriage was not in the picture. 
After 2 more years, still paying 50/50 working two jobs to pay my portion of the bills (another red flag, why am I working two jobs to pay half of his mortgage) when he made 3 times my salary. One day, It came out in conversation that marriage was not the plan and that he had been lying and never wanted to get married – 3 red flags, 4 years in… I left… 

I moved, got my dream job, and started a new life an hour away, with friends, and dating, all is well. So well, that I thought, “Maybe the problem was me not being this independent in the relationship. This thought combined with a minimal amount of effort to win me back, seven months later, we got back together. He moved in with me, to my apartment, we sold the house and he paid no bills while we figured out the next steps. *smh* young and dumb at 26 -years old. However, this time was different, this time,  arguments ended in gifts and jewelry, so he must be serious, he’s spending money.

After one particular argument, we took a trip to the pawn shop and got this terrible 3-stone engagement ring, that was 3 sizes too big. And when he absolutely refused to get the ring sized, I for some reason still wore it with pride. That ring was replaced about 7 months later after another argument about when we were getting married, that ring was given to me when I was staying at my mom’s house, in a little bag, the diamond, the ring, and the band, all un attached as if it was bought from the store moments before. I accepted this ring but later made him take the 2 carats floating in the bag diamond and perfectly set rose gold band back to the store because he kept complaining about the cost. We took it back and I picked a cheaper teardrop, double halo, white gold ring, that gave 2% of the sale to St Jude’s, the one he got sized and I wore for 5 years. 
I didn’t get her right away though, I was supposed to wait for the “right time” for the proposal. But in reality, it was given to me again, after an argument, 6-7 months after it was purchased, on the couch. Of course, I cried and believed this was our time. 
Almost 2.5 years later after arguing through the entire  “engagement process”, attempts at setting a date sparked arguments about the “legality” of things. Showing my ring off caused him to roll his eyes and not want to pose for pictures or go without talking to me for days. ( New set of red flags, He could go 6-7 DAYS without talking to me, while being in the same house. Just basic hi, good morning, are you eating and goodnight”
We finally decided to elope and mutually decided to figure out the logistics of legalizing it later. Emphasis on mutual because I did agree..  A part of the healing process is understanding what you did wrong and the parts you played in your situation, this is one of mine, I agreed to move forward with something, but in my heart, I knew it was wrong. I thought if we did elope he wouldn’t backtrack, he would have to. This was my fault entirely, a lot of it was, because I accepted it. 
So there I was, 10 years in total, not legally married, no kids, with a man who still wouldn’t give me $60 to cover “ my half “ of our groceries. Although the thought at 32 should have been “get the f ** out” & it was, sort of…. something told me to start with a solo trip to Italy, just in case the space would help us.